Shortcomings

I wish that some day I could boast
Among writers, I'd written the most.
But my thoughts only rhyme
Five lines at a time,
Well short of a Gleeman-length post.

Tejada Signs With Baltimore

"Tejada, R U going 2 stay
N Oakland N still B N A?"
"I M gonna go
N Bcome N O
N not B N M or A J."

Twins-Phillies trade

Milton's a gamble too bold.
They're betting his health will not fold.
Only Ed Wade
Would chase such a trade
And think he's turned Silva to gold.

Arizona-Milwaukee trade

Joe's trading finger is itchy.
In pulling the trigger for Richie,
He's hiring big guns
To scratch out more runs,
Going batty, and not quite as pitchy.

Arizona-Boston trade

From Randy to Pedro goes Schilling.
I'm somewhat surprised that he's willing.
In some other place,
He'd be the clear ace.
In Boston, he's still second billing.

A's-Padres Trade

The Long and Hernandez duet go
To play in the new park at Petco.
The Padres should not say
Regarding Mark Kotsay
They'll someday regret he was let go.

Cubs-Marlins trade

Locked in a doghouse, unfree,
The recent transaction for Lee
Allows Hee Seop Choi
To escape Illinois
By turning a Florida key.

Lilly/Kielty Trade

Beane's outfield was so bad he felt he
Should make it less Lucy Van Pelty,
While JP's poor mound
Was too Charlie Browned:
And thus was born Lilly-for-Kielty.

Pierzynski Traded to Giants

Although I don't have any proof,
This Nathan-Francisco-and-Boof
Trade made today
Will make A.J. say,
"I miss hitting under a roof."

Farewell to Pat Gillick

Gillick, unlike guys like Sabean,
Would no deals he should have been mabean.
The good thing, I'm guessing,
About never yessing
Is never Giambi-for-Mabrean.

Will replacing Stand Pat with Bavasi
Make Seattle's GM seem less lasi?
Though I'm sure that it might,
And their present looks bright,
Their future now looks very hasi.

Cursed, part 2

Just when fans conquer their fear,
And start to think, "This is the year",
Some Dent, Boone or Beckett
Will show up and wreck it:
Still Waiting for Goats to appear.

NLCS Rosters

Rosters for Jack and Dusty:
Remlinger, Cruz, Guthrie,
Penny, Banks, Lofton,
Beckett, Bump, Simon,
Bako, O'Leary, Borowski,

Wood, Alfonseca, Tejera,
Mordecai, Conine, Cabrera,
Goodwin, Lee, Willis,
Rodriguez, Miller,
Clement, Sosa, Urbina,

Redman, Redmond, Ramirez,
Encarnacion, Veres,
Glanville, Harris,
Lowell, Karros,
Grudzielanek, Martinez,

Prior, Pierre, Pavano,
Gonzalez, Gonzalez, Zambrano,
Fox, Hollandsworth,
Helling, Farnsworth,
Looper, Alou, and Castillo.

ALCS Rosters

Rosters for Little and Torre:
Mueller, Millar, Mirabelli,
Mussina, Matsui,
Arroyo, Dellucci,
Damon, Almonte, Merloni,

Boone, Posada, Giambi,
Garciaparra, Embree,
Johnson, Burkett,
Jackson, Pettitte,
Clemens, Kapler, McCarty,

Heredia, Lowe, Ramirez,
Timlin, Ortiz, Contreras,
Rivera, Rivera,
Soriano, Sierra,
Garcia, Suppan, Martinez,

Williamson, Wakefield, Wilson,
Williams, Walker, Wells, Nelson,
Flaherty, Varitek,
Jeter, Jones, Sauerbeck,
Weaver, White, and Nixon.

Division Series Preview

The first round of playoffs begins
With the Yanks playing host to the Twins.
If Minnesota can score
This one won't be a bore,
But if not, New York easily wins.

If the Marlins decide to omit
The chance to let Barry Bonds hit
They will still, in my mind,
Need somehow to find
A way to defeat Jason Schmidt.

Atlanta postseason? Ho hum.
Their presence is making me numb.
The Cubs! Holy Cow!
In the playoffs! Oh, wow!
Let's hope Dusty won't do something dumb.

If Hudson and Zito and Foulke
Get beat up by Manny's big stroulke,
Oakland cries yet more tears
Having lost four straight years,
Unless Boston finds new ways to choulke.

Manny's Sick Leave

When Manny Ramirez got sick,
He wouldn't go swing his big stick,
And then he ignored
The mad media horde;
Is it his head or his skin that is thick?

The Centerfielder Debate

Personally, I prefer Torii.
Though Erstad sure is a nice storii.
I'm aware of what Andruw
And Cameron canduw;
Give 'em all gold glover glorii!

On Aaron Guiel

Ten years it took Aaron Guiel
On buses for muiel after muiel
Of motels and diners
To work through the minors
And prove that it all was worthwuiel.

On Baseball Primer selling panties

The season's a journey that's long.
The trip splits the weak from the strong.
I'm a fan who likes thinking;
Primer's got some smart linking;
But all I got was a dumb, stinking thong.

On Dale Sveum

How quick we've forgotten Dale Sveum!
He had such a sveet-sounding neum.
At the old Coliseum
I once went to seum,
But he sviftly has lost all his feum.

Nelson-for-Benitez

Said Gillick, "I'll upgrade my staff.
Benitez is better by half.
Nelson is full
Of nothing but bull,
And now I can have the last laugh!"

Dodgers fire Clark

The Dodger offensive attack
Is lacking in men who can hack.
They way that they've played,
They are all overpaid;
They doubtlessly don't deserve Jack.

My Funny Reds

The Reds situation is bleak.
Guillen's trade was comic and weak.
Who gives a dang
About Aaron Harang?
And Valentine's much less than Greek.

The Pen is Mightier

With Williamson (just call him Scott),
The Red Sox new bullpen is hot!
The whole Boston city
Is now feeling giddy.
The bullpen-by-what? I forgot.

A Giant deal

The Giants held firm on the phone
When dealing for Sidney Ponson.
Damian Moss
Ain't much of a loss,
While Ainsworth's worth really ain't known.

Yankee Booney Dandy

George in his role of tycoon
Decided to get Aaron Boone.
Is taking the loss in
Giving up Claussen
Worth it? I guess we'll know soon.

Stand Pat stands pat

The M's are left sour and betrayed,
As Gillick could make no sweet trade.
Fans tartly condemn him:
He's got so much lemon,
Why won't he make lemonade?

The Red Sox 3Bs

The Red Sox third baseman named Shea
Was recently traded awea.
The backup named Mueller
Was once roster fueller
But now he can plea everydea.

The Sausage Incident

A Miller Park sausage was struck
By the butcherous Simon Le Buc.
To race by this brute
Requires a new route,
Since dogs are too beefy to duck.

The Angels, One Year Later

Their pitchers keep yielding big knocks,
Their outfield's a big pile of rocks,
Their hitting seems stuck,
And compounding their luck,
Their mascot contracts monkeypox.

It's Curse or Be Cursed

To not be Piniella's pet peeve,
Emotions should be on your sleeve.
Go air your despair!
To swear is to care!
A loss you don't share, you don't grieve.

On Steve Avery getting a victory

Though Avery's outing was brief,
His win ended years full of grief.
When he used to start,
Wins were five days apart.
Four years? It's quite a relief.

On Mike Piazza changing positions

Moving Piazza to first,
Which he has never rehearsed,
Helps the catching improve,
But there's risk in the move
For the infield, now bad, may get worst.

On Robb Nen's Successful Surgery

The Giants first feared that Robb Nen
Might never be pitching again.
But the surgeon's sharp knife
Has saved his arm's life.
His return isn't if now, it's when.

Burnett blames management

I think that young A.J. Burnett
Has said something he might regret.
The feeding hand
If bit, gets you canned,
Just go ask Peter Arnett.

Chad Fox goes to the DL

An injury to the oblique
Is often considered a freak.
But with Chad Fox
The news hardly shocks;
He has such a fragile physique.

Phillies 1, Giants 0

Today at the Vet, Kevin Millwood
Did something that no recent Phil could.
He earned with his zeroes
A rank among heroes
That even surpasses Curt Schillhood.

Randy and Curt, Older and Hurt

Though usually they are phenomenal,
This year their help has been nominal.
Johnson explained,
"My right knee's inflamed,"
While Schilling's excuse is abdominal.

Sitting on a Wall

A new way to watch Boston ball
Is atop Fenway's famous green wall.
I hope that high climb
Is not like the rhyme
Where we hear about bad eggs who fall.

Rockies 12, Diamondbacks 1

These days, I can't blame Bob Brenly
For not being terribly friendly.
Each way you lose
Results in the blues,
But the worst way to lose is againly.

On the injury to Brian Giles

The Pirates' big star, Brian Giles,
Has a case of the out-for-a-whiles.
While he rehabs his knee,
They will play offense-free,
Though Pittsburgh will issue denials.

Orioles 13, Red Sox 6 -- Royals 5, Indians 2

Pedro gets battered around?
The world has been turned upside down!
Will wonders not cease?
Whodathunk that back east,
K.C.'d be the talk of the town?

Brewers 11, Diamondbacks 7

Today I have learned something new
As Randy got crushed by the Crew.
I had heard people say:
"On any given day..."
But I never had thought it was true.

Phillies 16, Braves 2

Now fragile, just like a cracked egg,
A long reign is on its last leg.
After years of control
Comes a test of Braves' souls
If Maddux is Mike and not Greg.

Cubs 9, Reds 7

I know that it may sound outrageous,
As this shoulder disease is contagious,
But Ken's low endurance
If the Reds bought insurance
Might fiscally be advantageous.

Royals 12, White Sox 6

In Hell, fields are covered with snow.
Chicago's famed winds will not blow.
The White Sox are crying
'Cause pigs started flying;
The Royals are now 3 and 0.

On Jim Bouton's new book

Though certainly there's been no doubtin'
That few can compel us like Bouton,
I would have preferred
That he'd sometimes be heard
Without some new book that he's toutin'.

Yankees 8, Blue Jays 4

We should be discussing the Rocket
As he put one more win in his pocket.
But forget Roger's heater;
Poor Derek Jeter
Had his armbone dislodged from its socket.

NL West Preview

Arizona Diamondbacks

While 2001 was quite thrilling
Last year was not so fulfilling.
Add Dessens' acquisition
To Kim's new transition:
The coalition of the Randy and Schilling.

San Francisco Giants

With wintertime's painful lament,
Some Giants have packed up their tent.
Durham, Cruz and Grissom
Will help fans not miss 'em;
Alfonzo will proxy for Kent.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Their arms will be really on track
If Dreifort and Brown can come back.
Though they rise from the rubble,
Pitching's not LA's trouble,
It's their feeble offensive attack.

Colorado Rockies

Dan O'Dowd should be admired
For the players that he just acquired.
He was once too aggressive
But this winter's impressive:
The Hampton dump was Justin Speiered.

San Diego Padres

Since Nevin and Hoffman got sore,
They'll focus on 2004.
Perez, Peavy, Eaton,
And Lawrence will sweeten
Petco Park: need I say more?

NL Central Preview

St. Louis Cardinals

With Izzy and Edmonds and Drew
Hurt and replaced by a crew
Of Palmeiro, Marrero,
Kline and Fassero,
It's tricky to guess how they'll do.

Houston Astros

Where Kent once had Nen and Worrell,
It's Wagner set up by Dotel.
But his favorite trade
Is the minutely made
Ballpark compared to Pac Bell.

Cincinnati Reds

With Kearns joining Griffey and Dunn
The Reds' outfield sure will be fun.
While their hitting earns raves,
They'll be digging their Graves
If their pitching yields run after run.

Pittsburgh Pirates

If Ramirez and Kendall come back
And Lofton and Sanders can hack
With the usual Giles,
You will see this year's smiles
Won't be laughs at the yellow and black.

Chicago Cubs

While Sosa belongs with the greats,
He's gotten no help from his mates.
If the others won't hit,
It's so sad to admit,
The Cubs would be in Prior straits.

Milwaukee Brewers

A franchise-wide hole has been dug.
Yes, Sexson can certainly slug,
And I think I can say
That the pitching's OK,
But the rest of that lineup is --Ugh!

NL East Preview

Atlanta Braves

Can Byrd and Ortiz come across
To make Kevin and Tom less a loss?
And can Leo Mazzone
Roll the Rockie turned stony,
Or will Hampton keep gathering Moss?

Montreal Expos

Next year the Expos are gone.
They'll leave Montreal and San Juan.
If no city or county
Will pay Selig's bounty
They're welcome to play on my lawn.

Philadelphia Phillies

With Thome and Millwood and Bell,
There's no excuse not to do well.
For if they play poorly,
I can say surely
That Bowa will give them some hell.

Florida Marlins

Marlins fans, pray to your Lord
To ward off a dreary scoreboard.
With each fragile arm
That suffers more harm
Florida yawns, as if Tor-bored.

New York Mets

The Mets think the future is now,
But that thought I would disavow.
There's pitching fragility,
Offensive senility,
Plus defensive futility, and Howe!

AL West Preview

Oakland Athletics

The A's playoff losses prompt queries
And everyone has their own theories.
My key to survive
The dreaded game five
Is simply to sweep the dang series.

Anaheim Angels

The monkey has seen no upheaval
Since the last Series fly ball retrieval.
Though the team is the same,
It's a whole new ballgame
If the injury bug spreads its evil.

Seattle Mariners

While mermaids sing "Younger!" and "Quicker!",
The Mariners' glow starts to flicker.
Though their hair is now thinning,
They are still somehow winning;
Forgetting that "older" means "sicker".

Texas Rangers

Despite their new manager, Buck,
The Rangers just seem to be stuck.
Their hitting, once more,
Quite often will score,
And the pitching will still really suck.

AL East Preview

New York Yankees

A couple of years since they've won
Makes George vow they won't be outdone
Regardless of cost.
Yet if they win, they've still lost
The joy of surprise that's so fun.

Boston Red Sox

Their highlights hit ESPN,
The starters are good, so's the pen,
Yet while Boston looks great
What strange twist of fate
Is slouching towards Fenway again?

Toronto Blue Jays

An intriguing team, J.P.'s Jays.
They're starting a youthful new phase
Which looks, not by chance,
At a furtive first glance
To resemble the '99 A's.

Baltimore Orioles

Oriole watchers:
Be still. Don't expose yourselves.
Less said, the better.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Rays fans will wish that they knew
The day that he finally blew
The roof off the dome
Of his new chosen home:
The eruption of big Mount St. Lou.

AL Central Preview

Minnesota Twins

The source of my fantasy ire:
Rogers (or Lohse?) and Cuddyer.
For Santana got shafted,
And Kielty I drafted;
I wish I could just Gardenfire.

Chicago White Sox

If Thomas can stop being surly
And Colon can win 20 with Buehrle
And if (let's be greedy)
There's a breakout from Crede,
The Sox year won't end prematurely.

Cleveland Indians

Add talent, a new generation,
To a veteran hitting foundation
Of Burks and Vizquel--
Oh, wait! What's that smell?
The stench of the starting rotation!

Kansas City Royals

I don't want to sound like a meanie
But Beltran, Ibanez and Sweeney
Could make more dramatics
For baseball fanatics
By escaping this team, like Houdini.

Detroit Tigers

Did anyone tell Alan Trammell
His Tigers resemble a mammal
That is less like a cat
And is more something that
Will take some big lumps, like a camel?

On MLB going to Europe

To borrow a phrase from Joe Sheehan,
The average Joe European
Is a baseball illiterate.
So I laugh to consider it:
"Baseball? What's that? Let's go skiin'!"

On the Stats vs. Scouts debate

To rely on the wisdom of scouts
For projecting who hits or makes outs,
And just eyeball at-bats
Without using stats--
Well, that's like trying to write a poem without knowing anything about meter--you might write a good one if you're lucky, but I have my doubts.

On Miguel Tejada becoming a free agent

Oakland fans should be resigned
To not getting all-stars re-signed.
They shouldn't despair
For with Billy Beane there
Another star's not far behind.

On my lack of activity

If you wonder why I'm getting lax
With no recent poems--relax.
There's nothing bad brewing,
Unless you count doing
My state and my federal tax.

On the financial troubles of Elysian Fields Quarterly

Millions say, "I am a fan."
Yet few will pay EFQ's man.
He doesn't succeed
Because no one will read;
Kids these days, they only scan.

On interviewing Al Leiter

If you're a stupid, bad writer
Just interview players like Leiter.
Don't praise or berate him,
Just quote him verbatim
And your writing is instantly brighter.

On Jamie Moyer being his own agent

Life must be good if you're Moyer.
You somehow convinced your employer
Despite your old age
To pay a big wage,
Which you won't have to share with your lawyer.

On Jason Isringhausen

Since Eckersley, Tony and Dunc
Think a closerless bullpen is sunk.
But if Izzy's too busy
He isn't Eck, is he?
He's more like the next Eric Plunk.

On the death of Mister Rogers

A loss that feels worse than a shame
Like never will life be the same:
What do you do?
Snap, tomorrow is new,
A beautiful day for a game.

On Pedro Feliz

It looks like the false age police
Have caught on to Pedro Feliz.
It's not hard to envision
The roster decision
Where the Giants choose whom to release.

On the new UZR fielding stat

I'm trying to understand UZR
But I'm feeling a little confUZR.
In L.F. Long's the pits
Cuz C.F. gave him fits?
I don't get it; I must be a lUZR.

On Left-handed Knuckleballers

Pronouncing each left-handed knuckler
Just tickles me: try it: "Nap Ruckler!"
When I whoop, "Mickey Haefner!"
I burst out in laughner,
And "Wilbur Wood!" too be a chuckler.

On Bobby Abreu

"What's great about Bobby Abreu,"
Says Bowa, "He'll never dismeu."
He just gives his best
And will not protest,
Whatever you ask, he'll obeu."

On the two-headed catcher system

Though two-headedness has its charms,
This really should raise some alarms.
If catchers see double
It could cause some trouble
Unless they have added forearms.

On Livan Hernandez' altercation with an old man

"Don't trust this dishonest old man.
That's not how it really began.
His story's a con.
All I did," said Livan,
"Was tell him, 'Don't call me Livann.'"

On Mark McGwire

Ah, Mister Home Run, Mark McGwire!
A guy that I really admire.
For back when he played,
He mastered his trade,
And then he knew how to retire.

On my screwing up the meter on a limerick

I'd like to see you spend a week
Trying to learn how to speak
Exactly like Peter
And then hold your meter,
(Like Wakefield, then Nen), and technique.

On the Astros' infield

The well-designed Astro, Geoff Blum,
Shouldn't make Houston fans glum,
But Julio Lugo?
Worth less than a Yugo:
His engine just lacks a good hum.

If Astros fans watching Jeff Kent
See a throwing arm erringly bent
Forcing Jeff Bagwell
To have to tag well,
They'll wonder where Biggio went.

On Trevor Hoffman having surgery

The Padres without injured Trevor
Have likely no chance whatsoever.
Without a clear heir,
They don't have a prayer,
Though I guess you should never say never.

Jerry Colangelo, on the new All-Star Game rules

What Pappas is saying--don't fret it.
It's clear that this guy doesn't get it.
His logic won't follow;
His argument's hollow;
Even if I haven't read it.